Hurling The Biscuits

Below is a compilation of
actual student bloopers
collected by teachers
from 8th through 12th grades.




1) Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2) The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3) Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4) Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5) The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6) Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7) Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8) In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9) Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10) Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11) Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12) Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

13) Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

14) In mid-evil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

15) Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

16) Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

17) It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

18) The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

19) Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

20) During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

Word

The word of the day -- unexcited. How does one become unexcited? Heck, I'm just unexcited talking about this. I was excited for a few seconds, but -- oh wait a minute, that wasn't excitement, it turns out I just had a bit of gas. I'm now very unexcited about things. -- and I'm sick too

Blogging

When I go to log in, the mysterious Blog people tell me, "Now you can blog in Hindi" and I'm thinking, "No I can't."

This is my 101 post since I started this whackey journey. I'm not even close to done. I am actually considering starting another blog to only put writing on and then have people link to one or the other. I know that I have a few people overseas that don't speak English, so they just see something Hindi mixed with funny pictures.

I like to be multicultural, even if I don't speak all the languages.

All things Random

Yes, a bloke, a good friend of mine, by the name of Delicate Dan (well, that's not really his name) said that my blog was very random. I said, "Yes."

So I'm wondering how funny it really is. I'm either trying too hard or not hard enough.

He's not always been called Delicate Dan, you see. When he was a younger man than he is now, he was playing a sport of football without equipment. He went down with a rather large fellow following above him and he squished his collar bone to the point of the snapping noise.

After the Doctor put humpty dumpty, or in this case Delicate Dan, back together again, he was snowboarding and the snap wasn't quite as loud. The Doctor was now becoming suspicious this lad was more than just a lad, but a rough and tumble sort. Then, after a stern warning from his friends and doctor, Delicate Dan was snowboarding behind a snow machine, a snow sled, and again, he just missed the jump a little off.

Back to the Doctors he went. By now Delicate Dan's Mother traveled from stern to very angry. Anyway, Delicate Dan really isn't that delicate, but the name was given to him by me.

He says my Blog is random.

Yes.

First Nation Article

I wrote the following. It's a bit of a long read, and just so you know, they published it in the local newspaper.



It would seem there is a great deal of disappointment regarding the decision for Lheidli T’enneh’s decision to turn down the proposed treaty.


As my band negotiated and accepted the treaty they were offered (after many years of negotiation) I had the opportunity to sit in on some First Nations informational meetings first hand. The truth of the matter is; that no matter the colour of your skin or your background and upbringing people are people.


In my band, there was a handful of headstrong people with loud voices, who hollered and yelled how they were being cheated and things weren’t fair. These voices were the minority and the tactics these people used were obtuse; then there were the people who are trying to get by, pay bills have families and progress in life, whether on the reservation or off. I fell in to the latter category.


I am happy that the cooler heads prevailed in my band.


Righting a wrong is nearly impossible, especially considering the years that have passed. Consider: if my Great Great Grandfather was promised a hundred dollars and it wasn’t paid to him by the Canadian Government, and after 100 years of investment at a rate of return of 10% compounded once annually, the government would owe me $1,378,061.23. I sound rich? I pulled that number out of thin air. Who would say that my grandfather would invest that hundred dollars instead of buying a house, or car, or boat? Then it would be gone and I have exactly what I have now. How can anyone say that the government is under obligation to the number?


What about land? How much land did the nation occupy before the settling of the Europeans? Did my forefathers come and try to move in on the Lheidli T’enneh’s lands because they wanted more for my band? The other way around? How can you take a system that existed before the car and make it fit in this modern era?


This is pretty complicated stuff.


I was grateful that the government settled with my band, though the numbers were of little consequence as the money went into trust. The band has helped out with my college education and occasionally send me return on the investment of the trust account. From a personal standpoint, I am very happy I am getting a boost up.


What about the Lheidli T’enneh? They are cutting themselves out of a deal, even if it might not be the best deal, they don’t have one.


They were offered a sum of money that they could be using to make their lives better, to invest, to get better education, to use to develop, to create, however, that money is now “off the table.” Tomorrow instead of opening a new business, they can continue negotiations. Instead of building a summer camp for their children, they can negotiate. Instead of founding an education fund, they can negotiate. Instead of helping the elderly people with home care, they can negotiate. Instead of building a future, they can negotiate.


It’s their game, their deal. When does life start and when can they move on from the negotiations? It’s up to them, I guess.


As for me, my band settled. There was some internal strife of members of the band becoming selfish and monies being unaccounted for, however, that dark chapter appears to be over.


Negotiation is a concession on both sides. Our band members made concessions as did the Canadian Government and now the band is prospering and moving forward with initiatives, education and the betterment of all the band members. It is by no means perfect, but the deal is done and we are living with the effects.