Really - Don't do it

Gorgeous Ex

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic.'

I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now,', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge.' 'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone...stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I hung up …

New Whine -- err Wine from Walmart

Wal-Mart will soon offer its own brands of wine, and has been doing customer surveys to determine the most attractive names for wines that'll range from $5 to $8 in price.

In ascending order of popularity, the top surveyed names were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

Husband Store

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York
City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions
at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
value of the product increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go

up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good
Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor
and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Please leave the building.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a
New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.


The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Blonde

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Two Blonds With Hammers... Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away." Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
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Did you hear about the two blonds who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."
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A blond hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blond replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?" "No, Silly" the blond said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger."
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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and three blonds were stuck on the escalator for more than four hours.
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A blond was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blond, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blond went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blond roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blond told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like... HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first."
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A blond was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." "Wow," said the blond, "that's amazing.! ...I'm going to buy it!!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked? "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied........"Two popsicles and some coffee"
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A blond goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blond replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest." "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have a better chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blond. He looks out from his office and sees the blond crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blond. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too." =~=~=~=
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Tomatoe Garden

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love,

Vinnie



At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:



Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.


Love,

Vinnie

If women ruled the world

I sits

Saskatchewan Brethren

Neck

Makes me wonder what kind of neck he has.